I think back on my transition to motherhood, and it is a pretty unbelievable change. On July 16th, I started maternity leave with no real concept of what that meant. Sure, as all first-time moms do, I had an idea. Diapers and crib set up in the new room, carseat in the backseat of my car, 9 month maternity clothes prepared to give way for nursing tank tops and 6 month maternity clothes while my body would make the slow transition back to normal. Sleepless nights because of discomfort would give way for sleepless nights with a hungry baby. And of course the childbirthing classes to prepare me for the average 12 hours of labor that on average happen 3 days after the due date for first-time moms.
These things were true, absolutely. But I definitely wasn't prepared for the disconnectedness of seeing Caleb for the first time, the disbelief that Eric and I were responsible for this new life. And then only a week later, laying on the couch never wanting to let go and let this little boy grow up.
The changes in me I didn't forsee... Starting with being terrified I was going to forget him asleep in the car in the 100F heat of late July while on an errand I was used to doing by myself; then my heart skipping a beat when I walk away from the grocery cart for a second and realizing he's with dad for the afternoon. Starting with worrying I'm not going to wake up when he needs me; now leaving on fans and no baby monitor, because my mind can sift through his nighttime noises without ever really waking up. How being away from Caleb for a day at work is just enough to make me want to hold him and play all evening and ignore all other activities. How leaving him for my first day back to work from maternity leave was so hard I wanted to quit and never go back.
I wasn't prepared for the change in Eric and my relationship, how having children makes you look at each other differently, how you spend more time looking at your baby than at each other. I wasn't prepared for my body changes, the toll that pregnancy takes and the continued toll of nursing for 11 months. I wasn't prepared for the stress of working, even part-time, and juggling daycare, church activities, Eric's activities, grocery shopping, food, laundry, cleaning (that one took a huge backseat), and trying to maintain healthy relationships - with both old friends who don't have children and new friends who do.
All of these things are the transitions of parenthood. I am so thankful for those who have made this past year easier, who have been understanding, supportive (with meals, childcare, love, emotional support, smiles, grace, understanding, and advice). Mark & Sarah, all of our corpus group, Jeff & Maria, Leslie T, Charity M, Kelli A, Sara G, both sets of Grandparents, Amanda Fontana, Aunt Nancy, Juli H, Joe & Michelle, Nathan & Jenilee, just to name a few. You have all made the past year easier in some way or another, and we are grateful to you and your friendship.
Here are some pics from Caleb's first year birthday party to celebrate the year. Here's to moving forward - older, wiser, and seeing more and more how blessed we are!
